Route 29: ｍｏｄｓ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
these_balls) wrote2010-04-27 11:40 pm
these_balls) wrote2010-04-27 11:40 pm
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Understand the secrets and have some fun
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When Xion is first introduced, nobody knows what to expect from her. Nobody can see her face and she does not speak. It puts up a first impression that she's distant or perhaps shy. This is hinted as not entirely the case as she looks up to Roxas with a mysterious smile. In the ensuing days, she still does not speak; lending credence to the idea that she is very reclusive or at least reserved. Other members of the Organization speak of Xion as though she's just a little puppet; Saix for example literally calls her dehumanizing names like "creature" or "it." Is Xion aware of this? Does she just refuse to stand up for herself?
Well…no, she's aware of how she's seen, but she's not aware of why or how she can stand up for herself. Standing up for herself is not a thing that occurs to Xion at first, just keep quiet and obey orders or else face the consequences. Living your life as "newly created," totally unaware of who you are, while knowing at the same time if you don't shut up and deal with these people your life will end creates a sort of dependence in Xion when it comes to the Organization, for now.
Eventually it comes to pass that Roxas and Xion go on missions together, her hood is still up and she still does not speak for the next few days. However, it seems Xion has taken a liking to the boy and does speak up to him after a while. She seems very fluent and aware of her surroundings as she says his name and asks him to confirm that it is. Hmm, the first thing she says to him is a question? How curious. Xion is a little curious herself, explorative of the world and always asking questions (partly understandable since at this point she thinks she's a Nobody that doesn't remember her life as a human), which Roxas is happy to provide answers to as best as he can. This is the first time the idea of him, Axel, and Xion being friends is brought up and Xion seems awed by the idea, wondering if she herself could be a "friend" too. When it's confirmed that they need to ask Axel, something has obviously changed in Xion's demeanor—she seems a lot cheerier, yet sticks close to Roxas (obviously he's the only one she really trusts right now, perhaps in some part she becomes dependent on him) and shuts down around other Organization members. She hides her face and doesn't speak just as she did to Roxas before opening up to him, going back to being the silent and obedient "doll" as expected of her.
To be fair, it's not as though the Organization members have anything nice to say about her, as said Saix refers to her as a "doll" and Xigbar refers to her as "poppet" like she's a pet. Being treated like that might create a bit of a complex and while Xion ignores it, says she can handle it so nobody worries, she does not like it at all. Again, she just doesn't know how to stand up for herself.
When Xion goes missing while on a mission to fight a Heartless, Axel and Roxas go to find her and rescue her from the pickle she's gotten herself into. As they sit on the clock tower and speak to each other, Xion confides her worries to Roxas that she can no longer use her Keyblade and is very much afraid of what the Organization will do to her when they find out she's "useless." In this instance, like her hiding what's worrying her from them, she's also hiding her face, this is likely because it's framed from Axel's perspective in the game and he can't see Xion's face at this point, though it lends credence to her withdrawing when afraid or worried or around unfamiliar things. She is so, so afraid of being a disappointment to the Organization, not because she cares about them, but because she's afraid of what they'll do to her.
Axel himself suggests that he and Roxas cover for her and she's surprised and touched by this suggestion. He casually says that it's what friends are for and Xion begins to open up to him as well. (As noted in the secret reports, he says he didn't see what Roxas saw in Xion. How can anyone become close to a person that hides their face all the time? Yet when he said of course they're friends, Xion "took off" her hood and he saw her as Roxas sees her). She expresses apprehension at Roxas being burdened with taking on double duty of collecting hearts, just to cover up that she can't use her Keyblade, she doesn't want to be a trouble to him at all (he's been so nice to her and all she can do is burden him? It likely creates more resentment towards herself.) Yet she trusts Axel and Roxas and trusts that she'll be safe with them no matter what.
When the girl feels safe and like she can trust the company she's in, she opens up and is actually quite a fun person! She laughs and jokes around just the same as any other teenager, she teases her friends (she teases Axel for being "hokey" later on) in a playful manner, and even threatens "don't make me come over there!" when things are getting rowdy. Like any other person too (one that's nice, anyway) Xion has a deep care for her friends and will take care of them if they're in trouble, and it's apparent she's deeply loyal and trusting to them. Getting her Keyblade back reveals a sort of silly side to her as she spends all the rest of the time practicing to be sure that she can use it right and won't lose it again while on "vacation."
After a few days of the trio being friends Roxas falls into a coma and Xion watches over him, showing her caring side as she talks to him about where she's been that day and piles seashells next to his pillow (in the manga she also wipes his face off of the scribbles Dusks put on him, seeming horrified and confused by why anyone would do such a thing). She might be scoffed at for visiting Roxas every day, but she still does without fail and waits patiently for him to wake up. Given that she's a Replica of Roxas (and Sora by extension) and was only shaped into how we see her because of memories of Kairi, it can be said that the fondness for seashells came from Kairi. It's possible that she "remembers" other things as well and mistakenly attributes them to herself because of the memories of Kairi.
However, just because Xion has memories of Kairi, it doesn't mean she is Kairi. Unlike Kairi, Xion has a tendency to withdraw when intimidated (like being around the other members of the Organization for example) and is unsure of how to make decisions for her benefit. Her anxiety and worrying frequently brings down her mood to the negatives, especially if she's worried that something that's her own responsibility will impact her friends (like her not being able to summon her Keyblade and Axel and Roxas volunteering to help her cover it up.) She still also hides quite a lot of her feelings, thoughts, and experiences from her friends; right from beginning she writes in a secret report that something feels strangely nostalgic about being around Roxas "like waves crashing against the shore," later her nightmares about drowning, and finally her feelings of love towards her friends—that she would never let Roxas disappear even if it means her own disappearance, since they cannot exist at the same time.
Xion doesn't appear to have a lot of confidence in herself, even with her reassurances to Roxas (after being derided by Saix) that she can handle whatever's thrown at her. Yet, even unconsciously, she reveals to compare herself to Roxas and finds herself lacking in a secret report, is this indicative that she compares herself a lot to other people? Perhaps so, but even if she lacks confidence and even feels fearful, she still wishes to prove herself and carry on for her friends (it's said by Demyx that she works very hard on her missions and it makes him feel lazy).
This conflicts with something that's both by her design and somewhat in her personality. Like how others' perceptions of Xion shape her appearance (Saix sees the hooded doll, Xemnas sees her for the Roxas/Sora replica she really is, Xigbar sees her as Ventus, and only Axel and Roxas see her as the black-haired Kairi lookalike) their perception has an influence on her outlook. Yes, even if Organization members like Saix are outright abusive to her (as she begs him to give her another chance on the failed mission to eliminate "the imposter" he calls her "a mistake that they never should have made"), she knows that it's necessary to do all of her duties for the Organization to the best of her ability or else she'll be eliminated and will never get to see Roxas and Axel again. All that she cares about is being with Roxas and Axel, her two dearest friends.
It's not until Riku implies that there's something fake about her that she becomes outright angry about another's opinion—she actually flies into a blind rage and attacks him for it, even if part of her knows she's already been defeated. This strong show of emotion illustrates how unstable Xion actually is in her nature—she experiences her emotions with abnormal strength and frequency, she actually says to herself that it shouldn't hurt so much if she doesn't have a heart, yet it does. The confusion and sorrow clouding her mind does not let up in canon once it starts, not for a second, and it only worsens, we very rarely get to see Xion outside of the context of being hurt, angry, or coming to terms with the idea that her very existence shouldn't be. She's pulled in all different directions at all times and she frequently feels overwhelmed and like she's going to come apart (which isn't entirely inaccurate). Again, she withdraws from Roxas and Axel, yet it is also her that comes back to Roxas and admits to him that she's still thinking about her failed mission. She also starts to question why they're really working for the Organization, calling to mind Riku's advice to her to leave the Organization. That she's considering her role in things and the Organization's true intentions on the word of someone that should be an actual stranger shows how deeply Xion thinks about the world and her effect on it. Her determination to find answers leads her to break away from the Organization to find her own answers on what she really is and she even travels with Riku for a while, being declared a traitor to the Organization and needing to be brought back forcefully. Xion refuses to be brought back, however, and continues to search out answers, continues to wonder "what should I do?"
Whether it's because she's a replica of Roxas (who is Sora's Nobody) or whether because she's gaining Sora's memories, Xion wants to do the right thing absolutely. She wants to do what's right and she wants to do what's best for her beloved friends, so when she's presented with the scenario that she'll have to disappear—be absorbed back into Sora—she accepts it. She's saddened, of course, but she knows it's what she must do and accepts this fate. After all, she's angrier with herself for being what she is and hurting Roxas than she is willing to save her own skin; when presented with the facts Xion accepts what is the truth even if it's painful.
This was not intended in her design at all, which comes back to Xion being a person that people tend to read into whatever they wish; she was created as a "fail safe" in case Roxas failed. A Keyblade wielder is needed, and no matter who it is that comes apart in the end doesn't matter, especially not with Namine attempting to piece Sora's memories back together in the meantime and finding snags since Xion is absorbing memories from Roxas, taking away life from him. The Organization mistakenly assumed that Xion would never rebel against them, that she would always serve them without fail, and so Xemnas reprograms her to fight against Roxas and absorb him into herself, but his manipulation does not reach her—Xion knows what she must do. At this point her makeup has become so unstable she has actually started to reflect Sora's appearance as she should, and Xion tells Roxas she is out of time and only one of them can exist. She goads Roxas into fighting her, pretends to go along with Xemnas's plan so he'll go all out and destroy her, even if it's painful for Roxas to say goodbye to her, even if she knows (as told by Namine) that she'll be forgotten by everyone when she fades, Xion knows that they'll always be together in Sora's heart. She'll never forget how much she loves Axel and Roxas and as long as they're safe, that's all that matters to her. As her last words, she begs Roxas to also set free the captive hearts in Kingdom Hearts, what the Organization is doing isn't right at all and needs to be stopped.
The idea of being a real person has never once occurred to Xion, even when Roxas brought up a hypothetical situation of running away from the Organization so they can all be together, she points out that they have no place to go. Honestly blunt, wow, how negative, where's all the positive things? Even having real emotions confuses her, since she's supposed to not have a heart at all. So how can one expect Xion to confront with the idea of being a normal human? Not being used, not being regarded as some object or tool…how does she do that? Guilt would plague her for a while until she gets the idea that it's all over now and she can start over…she just sacrificed herself with the idea that if she didn't, her friend would suffer after all. Coping with such a confusing thing would be difficult, and the idea of having her own identity—like she thought she had in the early days of the game. Eye contact might still be difficult with her, even post game, since she can't assume that nobody can see her face anymore, but the reminder of Roxas kindly introducing her to the idea of friendship will push her on. He didn't have to respond to her or say that they could be friends; after all, would it not feel nice for other people to receive the same sentiment? Interacting with others might be hard at first, but Xion will push on until she makes friends, until she becomes more confident; nobody can replace what she had with Axel and Roxas, but she'll keep at it! The strong sense of justice will remain, actually will grow stronger without the influence of the Organization weighing her down, she'll still enjoy going to the beach and collecting seashells, she'll still enjoy eating ice cream. Xion will still be Xion, even if she doesn't entirely know who Xion is supposed to be, she'll discover the answer to that question one step at a time and not shy away from the hard stuff.
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